On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
