Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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