The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
