You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
