next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
