i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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