You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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