dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night