i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
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Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
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He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.