Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
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Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car