Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
