I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
