i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
