Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Randomize
