she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
