you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My ass is underappreciated
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I love you.
Bad choice
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
