I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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