Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
