If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
