I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
