you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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