My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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