wanna go halves on a baby?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
