There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
