he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
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Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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