Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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