the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
