He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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