lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you had me at cake vodka
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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