somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday