I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.