No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
