Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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