my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
