wakey wakey hands off snakey
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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