I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
