The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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