I think my vagina is haunted
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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