I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
