Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
