My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
