All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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