if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
