see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
