my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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