can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
