You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
