fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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