I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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