someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
