sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
