we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
