i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
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I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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