apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
