Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
