Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
