You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
