also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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